Photo courtesy of lil-abner.com
Do I focus on the dark cloud that’s been following me, or do I find the silver lining? I feel like this has been an eternal, internal battle since I can remember. I blogged once about making lemonade from the millions of life’s lemons, and that mindset certainly took time to get there…about a decade and a half to be exact. I have been making pitcher after pitcher of lemonade to the point that I’m on a constant sugar rush. I guess that’s the same as finding the silver lining, but does it necessarily make you a negative person if you are just simply in a fog or if you just have a dark cloud over you at times? I mean, what if sometimes I’m just not in the mood for lemonade or the color, silver?
Living the “dark cloud” perspective makes you seem pessimistic to others. I wish I had a dollar for every time a family member told me that I looked for things to be depressed about. Was I really looking for these various obstacles? Did I ask for all of the BS? Okay, I can admit that some dark clouds were self-induced based on shifty decisions, but sometimes, shit happens. There’s just a freaking dark cloud that seems to stake a claim on you and follow you like the character from Li’l Abner! Am I negative or pessimistic when I merely point it out? It’s frustrating just thinking about it! Yeah, sure I look for the negative…I couldn’t wait to be sought out by a narcissist who took joy in emotionally destroying others. Sure, I live for the less fortunate luck in life. I looked for a reason to be depressed during the time that I watched my dad suffer terribly until his last breath in his last days of lung cancer that had spread practically throughout his entire body. Can you believe that during that time I actually had family members tell me not to cry? I had family that highlighted his negative attributes as if that were a reason to not empathize with the pain that he suffered and to mourn his death. Or, what about the friend that brought up losing her father-in-law, whom she had previously described to me as someone who was not such a great person and accused him of loving another grandchild more than and neglecting her children? I was thinking, “Are you serious people? Can I just have this moment for my dad and me?” Let’s just say, there are certain moments in life that are more difficult in regards to seeking out silver lines. The only silver lining I found when watching my father transition out of this life was the fact that he was no longer suffering. It’ll be a year this August since my dad passed, and I have have yet to truly mourn the loss of my father in fear of appearing as if I am on the quest for melancholia. God forbid that I am human and have feelings. How dare me sit under this dark cloud?
I do want to point out that I am not a complete cynic. I do believe that it is unhealthy to wallow in depression; we must find reasons to continue moving forward in life. I just find it rather annoying that people will squat and release a load in your lap then call you Negative Nelly when you have your moments. There’s just a healthy balance to everything in life. Every indulgence has a consequence…every bad decision produces a lemon…every obstacle yields an emotion. I am just coming to realize now that there can be too much lemonade and that not every cloud has a silver lining. It’s okay to be sad, frustrated, upset, angry, or whatever as long as we have our moments of joy, happiness, and contentment. Actually, writing in this exact moment supported this discernment. Maybe, I spend too much time worrying about how much I worry. Maybe, I ponder entirely too much about how negative it may seem to others while experiencing life’s endeavors. Perplexity is natural. It is healthy to cry when we feel sorrow and to scream during frustration. I am completely normal for laying on my back, looking up into the black cloud, and praying for rain.