Surface Deep



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She never felt quite good enough…in any area of her life.  At the surface, she had it all. She was intelligent, beautiful, successful, and continuously reaching new heights, but beneath it all, she was damaged.  She never felt adequate enough for anyone or anything.  Every bad decision felt like a failure.  Every lie from her significant other felt like deja vu.  It became the norm; she had heard it all and walked that walk a million times.  After a while, it seemed like they all just blended together as one let down after another. Even so, she wondered what her blame was in all of her personal fiascoes.

She sobbed as she sat down in front of the computer thinking about the last decade or so of her life, particularly her personal life.  Why so many wrong turns? Why so many victims of her own demise?  Why did she stay quiet when she should have screamed, and why did she fight when she should have just listened to her perceiving mind?  It was because she was soft.  She was tender, which made her easy prey.  To the gamer, she was an easy casualty, but little did the gamer know, she had already mastered the undertaking in her mind. She was always one step ahead; yet, she appeared to be innocent, naive, and unsuspecting. She merely recognized the potential in her encounters and expected that they wanted the best for their characters as well.  This is the area where she fell short; this is the area that naivety overshadowed.

Her veneer appeared happy, strong, and a force to be reckoned with to most, but to predators, she was weak.  One thought that she would always be there. They thought that they could break her down to the point that she needed them during her downcast.  Instead, she triumphed.  She showed them that they were not cognizant of what her breaking point actually was.  Rather than fall, she soared to new and unsuspecting heights.  Rather than wallow in despair, she made the best of her situation and put her best foot forward.  She explored her strengths and triumphed in the most difficult of times.  Instead of accepting defeat, she prepared for and won the battle and never looked back.

Another peeled layer she overcame was desperation.  The sly tiger pounced as soon as the opportunity presented itself. The tiger circled her until the opening became clear.  Sly as a fox, the tiger baited her with the most precious gems in her life, her children. At the time that she was most vulnerable and desperate to provide and experiencing a new journey… a journey alone, the tiger gamed her as prey and asked her to  help with selfish endeavors that the tiger had in mind.  Why not?  She was juggling multiple responsibilities – work, motherhood, graduate studies.  She could handle the tiger’s pursuit of progression as well, right?  Why not, entice her with finances to better support her home?  Why not tell her what the tiger thought she wanted to hear — she’s brilliant; she’s beautiful; she’s loving; she’s passionate and willing to aggressively attain what is rightfully hers.  The tiger used this to build her up, but little did the tiger know, she was well aware of the ploy. When a wrench hit the tiger’s plan, the tiger became irrational and unhinged while she held her composure and conceded with her forward progressions in life — family, education, and career.  The tiger could not fathom how she held it all together in such cumbersome times, but she did.  She was a much more worthier opponent than the tiger preciously anticipated.

Another milestone and yet another layer has been trimmed.  She longed for a presence of appreciation in her life. She had a thirst for mutual respect, intimacy, and companionship. The savior appeared and swept her off of her feet.  The savior impressed a relief on her life. Even so, the savior had another agenda as well.  The savior merely wanted to fulfill what was missing in them and wanted to appear to their adversaries as triumphant as she appeared to hers. Admittedly, she was bamboozled by the savior; however, when she began to pay attention again,  she quickly realized the new undertaking.  She was a diversion for the savior’s previous degradation. The savior had something to prove, and she was the muse…a mere surrogate of the original conquests; yet, little did the savior know, her layers ran deep.  Her intellect was at an unexpected pinnacle.  She saw through the lucidness of the rationalizations and justifications.  She would once again frolic in their arrogance.



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